Opposite of Adults
by mykindofparty
Summary: Mrs. Hagberg only took this afterschool gig because she's saving up for retirement and her bucket list has as many pages as Noah Puckerman's permanent file. She didn't expect the two pretty cheerleaders in the back row to give her much trouble. (Part of the Mrs. Hagberg series)


**Opposite of Adults**  
><strong>Summary:<strong> Mrs. Hagberg only took this afterschool gig because she's saving up for retirement and her bucket list has as many pages as Noah Puckerman's permanent file. She didn't expect the two pretty cheerleaders in the back row to give her as much trouble as they did.  
><strong>Pairing:<strong> Brittany/Santana  
><strong>Rating:<strong> T  
><strong>AN:** It started out as fluff for JJ and morphed into this (?). Takes place sometime during Season 1. The title comes from the Chiddy Bang song of the same name.

* * *

><p><em><strong>day one<strong>_

"Welcome to Driver's Education," Mrs. Hagberg greets, suspecting for all the world that she has even less desire to be here than her students. "The first ten days, you'll learn the rules of the road and then you have the wonderful opportunity to cart me around in my '95 Taurus. Normally the county provides a car, but due to recent budget cuts we're no longer afforded that luxury, meaning that I do not have a passenger brake. And since I do not have a passenger brake, you –"

But before she can finish that thought, she's interrupted by two Cheerios barging into the room.

"Is this the right place?" the blonde one asks her.

"Depends," Mrs. Hagberg says, "what are you looking for?"

"That's kind of a vague question, don't you think?" the girl responds.

Looking over the roster and seeing that she only marked two people absent, Mrs. Hagberg asks, "Are you Brittany?"

"Yeah."

"Then you're in the right place." She turns to the other girl. "And you're Santana Lopez, I presume?"

Rather than confirm this, Santana says, "Practice ran late. Then I blow dried my hair, which took forever."

Mrs. Hagberg sighs. She won't get home in time for _Wheel of Fortune_ – and she _never_ misses an episode. "Was drying your hair really necessary?" she asks.

"Excuse me," Santana snarls, "do you _know_ how bad my hair frizzes when I let it dry naturally? I'd rather die than be seen like that in public."

"Word," Brittany agrees.

"No, but did _you_ know that I mostly teach juniors and seniors and the chances of you being in one or more of my classes next year are pretty high?" Mrs. Hagberg replies.

Santana crosses her arms. "What if I told you that Brittany was really self-conscious and had to wait for all the other girls to leave before she could shower?"

"I'm a never-nude," Brittany plays along.

"I highly doubt that's the case," Mrs. Hagberg says to Brittany. "My entire third period was all abuzz today with talks of how you streaked across the Arby's parking lot last night. I'm fairly certain you're the same Brittany considering none of them seemed to know your last name and it's not on the roll, either."

"You have an answer for everything, don't you?" Brittany asks.

"Yes."

Brittany looks at her in amazement. "Wow, you did it again."

"Just take your seats, girls, and try to be here on time. That's all I ask."

_**day two**_

The next day, Mrs. Hagberg really can't complain because they're both on time, walking in with their pinkies linked and heads high. And she really, really can't complain when they seem to be the only ones paying attention to the video; Brittany in particular is enraptured by it. And she really, really, _really_ can't complain when she asks if anyone has a question and Brittany's hand shoots straight up in the air.

Until she hears what Brittany has to say, that is.

"The video was called _Grizzly Accidents_, but there weren't any bears," Brittany comments.

Mrs. Hagberg takes a look at the VHS box. "It says _Grizzly Automobile Accidents_."

"So why weren't the bears driving the cars?" Brittany asks, causing the rest of the class to howl with laughter.

Santana glares at all of them. "Yeah, you should _totally_ ask for a refund. That's false advertising," she says, her tone challenging her classmates to laugh again.

"I'll look into it," Mrs. Hagberg says dryly.

_**day three**_

"Why is it a bad idea to text and drive?" Mrs. Hagberg asks the class, hoping to start a discussion.

"Because if you text a guy back too quickly, it makes you look desperate," Santana says from her seat in the back, not bothering to look up from her nail file.

"Unless you're sexting and then it's perfectly acceptable," Brittany adds.

_**day four**_

Mrs. Hagberg is lecturing about the importance of always wearing a seatbelt when Brittany raises her hand. "What is it this time, Brittany?"

"Mrs. Puff," Brittany replies, "I gotta pee."

Mrs. Hagberg does a double take. "If you ask me again using my real name, then _sure_."

"I don't know what it is. You never told us…"

"It's Mrs. Hagberg. You know what? Just go, dear."

Brittany scampers out the door.

"Where did she even get Mrs. Puff from?" Mrs. Hagberg wonders aloud.

"_Spongebob_," Santana says, earning a blank stare from her teacher. "Mrs. Puff is the driving instructor. Duh."

_**day five**_

"Now, if a cop flashes his lights at you, find a safe place to pull over."

"Should you always pull over?" a student – whose name Mrs. Hagberg can't quite remember because frankly she can't remember anyone other than Brittany and Santana – asks.

"Of course!" she replies.

"What if you have something you don't want him to see?" Santana asks slyly.

"Like marijuana… for example," Brittany says rather bluntly, missing the look Santana gives her.

Mrs. Hagberg looks at her planner. "Thank God it's Friday," she mutters to herself.

_**day six**_

"I've decided to make a seating chart," Mrs. Hagberg announces to the class. "I'm going to separate you from your friends. That way you won't be concerned about talking with them and maybe you'll all participate more."

"Britts and I participate all the time!" Santana protests.

"This is my favorite class," Brittany chimes in. "Even though it won't go on my report card."

"Okay, here's the deal," Mrs. Hagberg says. "I was planning on doing it by alphabetical order, but I don't know Brittany's last name. So I suppose there is a slight chance you could still sit near each other, but I doubt it. And even then I still might separate you two."

Brittany thinks for a moment. "My last name is Lopes. Like Left Eye."

Santana nods. "May she rest in peace."

"What?" Mrs. Hagberg asks. "Who's Left Eye?"

"She's from TLC," Brittany explains.

Mrs. Hagberg frowns. "I watch that channel all the time and I don't know anyone by that name."

_**day seven**_

"Today, we're going to have a pop quiz on traffic signs. Number your papers one through twenty and then I'll put some slides on the overhead projector," Mrs. Hagberg says. Her phone rings as she puts the first slide up. "Excuse me for just a moment," she adds, taking her cell out of her purse. Then she goes out into the hallway.

When she returns several minutes later, she switches the slide, but none of the students pick their pencils back up. "Aren't you going to finish the quiz?" she asks.

Santana speaks up. "We decided that this should be a group effort," she smirks. "A collaboration, if you will."

"Yeah, and we all agreed that stealing the rest of the slides while you were out of the room would yield the best results," Brittany says. "By the way, thanks for not separating Santana and me. We always come up with the best ideas."

Mrs. Hagberg sighs. "You girls are somethin' else."

"What are we besides girls?" Brittany asks curiously.

_**day eight**_

"Okay, who wants to give the first oral presentation?" Mrs. Hagberg asks.

"I will _gladly_ give the first oral," Santana volunteers. "I was thirteen the first time I drove a car," she begins. "I took my dad's convertible out for a joyride and the first thing I did was pick Britts up from her house. We mostly just roamed around town and I tried not to crash into anything, including that homeless guy who lives in front of the library."

"She narrowly missed his cardboard box," Brittany adds.

"That's terrible," Mrs. Hagberg says.

"I agree. It was a horrible first experience," Santana concludes. "The worst part was when I totally spilled my Smirnoff Ice all over the seat when we hit a speed bump going thirty-five."

Mrs. Hagberg shakes her head. "I don't get paid enough for this."

_**day nine**_

"I brought another tape for you to watch," Mrs. Hagberg says, popping it into the VCR.

"Hold up," Santana says. "Are we _really_ watching the Ford Bronco chase?"

Mrs. Hagberg ignores her. "Does anyone besides Santana know who OJ Simpson is?" she asks.

Brittany raises her hand. "He merged his company with Dairy Queen in 1987."

"That's Orange Julius," Mrs. Hagberg corrects.

"No, I'm pretty sure the J stands for juice," Brittany deadpans.

_**day ten**_

"As soon as you're all finished with your tests, we'll begin the party. I had my home economics class bake you guys a cake," Mrs. Hagberg says. "And I can honestly say that I've never been more excited about the last day of driver's ed. I'm almost smiling, I'm so happy."

"What was that?" Santana says a few minutes into the test. "Did your phone just ring?"

Mrs. Hagberg shakes her head. "Nice try."

Seconds later, the phone actually does ring. Mrs. Hagberg misses the wink Brittany gives Santana.

Ten minutes after that, they both turn their tests in at the same time.

"Sorry we can't stick around for your awesome cake, Mrs. Hag," Brittany apologizes, "but it's not part of the Master Cleanse diet."

"That's alright, Brittany," Mrs. Hagberg says, choosing to ignore the fact that she left off the 'berg'. "I can't say I enjoyed having either of you in my class."

"You haven't gotten rid of us yet," Santana reminds her. "We still have to do the driving part."

Mrs. Hagberg's eyes widen in terror. "How about we don't and say we did?"

_**driving day one**_

"We're going to stick to the parking lot today," Mrs. Hagberg tells the two girls. "Brittany, you're up first."

Santana moves to slide into the passenger's seat, but Mrs. Hagberg stops her. "Fine," Santana huffs as Brittany gently places her book bag in the backseat.

"Do you know why we're doing this, Brittany?" Mrs. Hagberg asks.

"To serve as a reminder that this is nothing like _Grand Theft Auto_?" Brittany guesses.

"That's one reason, I guess," Mrs. Hagberg replies. "It's so I can assess your basic skills before letting you on the road." She guides Brittany through the various cones and obstacles in the parking lot until Santana gasps.

"Brittany! What's Lord Tubbington doing in your backpack?" she shrieks, pulling out the fattest cat Mrs. Hagberg's ever seen.

"He's been in there since my mom dropped him off during fifth period," Brittany explains, glancing at her friend in the rearview mirror. "I kept the zipper cracked so he could breathe and I carried it on my front so he wouldn't feel like I was ignoring him. I let him loose in the locker room before practice, but he fell asleep in the towel bin."

"So that's why you didn't want me to wait for you," Santana says, the realization dawning on her.

Mrs. Hagberg clears her throat. "That's very interesting and all, girls, but it's your turn, Santana. Remember, I don't have a passenger brake so for all our sakes, I hope you've improved since you were thirteen."

_**driving day two**_

"Santana, you went straight through that stop sign," Mrs. Hagberg says.

Santana shrugs, never taking her eyes off the road. "It was optional. Britt, keep reading me those tips."

"Here's a good one: The Secret to Making Pleasure Last," Brittany reads from her issue of _Cosmo_.

"No!" Mrs. Hagberg objects. "I thought I said no more sex tips."

"This one's _not_ a sex tip!" Brittany argues as Santana runs a red light.

"That's it," Mrs. Hagberg says, fed up with their shenanigans. "I'm driving."

"Wait, you're not kidnapping us, are you?" Brittany asks.

"Well, I could sure use the ransom money," Mrs. Hagberg jokes sarcastically.

Brittany pouts. "If you take us across state lines, then the FBI has to get involved."

"Who's to say you'd still be alive by the time we left Ohio?" the harried, exhausted instructor replies.

_**two years later**_

It's the last day of school and the bell rings, signaling the end of third period geography. Mrs. Hagberg gathers her things so she can make her way to the other side of the building where she also teaches math.

"Mrs. Hagberg," Santana calls, hand in hand with Brittany. "We just wanted to say sorry for giving you so much hell during your driver's ed class."

"Totally," Brittany adds solemnly. "We were super repressed and malnourished."

"I appreciate it, girls," Mrs. Hagberg replies. "But I need to get going –"

"Wait, we have something for you! Britt, get your bag," Santana says.

"It's not your cat again, is it?" Mrs. Hagberg asks worriedly.

Brittany hands her a box. "It's a DVD player for your classroom," she explains. "That way you don't have to show those outdated videos."

"Thank you so much for this," she says, wrapping both of them in a hug, a genuine smile gracing her features for the first time in a long time. "You know, I didn't really hate you as much as I pretended to."

Brittany and Santana exchange glances. "We know," they reply in unison.

She releases them from the embrace and wipes a tear from the corner of her eye. "You two sure have grown up into smart, capable young women," she says. "Just don't get into any car accidents before your future can really begin."

_**the end**_


End file.
